My boss has been looking at my ass . . . my mother said it's sexual harassment.

Did you ever notice the word 'ass' is in 'harass'? Coincident? I think not!

A while ago Caroline asked for my help in preparing for her first review at her new job. Oddly enough, her boss had sent her a list of questions, akin to a junior high school report. The questions from aforementioned boss are in bold . . . my helpful answers are not . . .

Hi,

Here are a few topics I would like for you to think about for the upcoming evaluation:

1. Major accomplishments during the past year (months)

- being awesome (although this is more a state of existence rather than an accomplishment)
doing your job
successfully executing the most retarded breakup in the world
- and then screwing the ‘ex’ again (in all senses of the word ‘screw’)
- not being able to figure out what exactly the point of you being here is when I do your job
- experimenting with lesbianism.


2. your strengths

- I suppose being awesome would fit in here.
- Oh. And being extremely good looking (wink!).


3. your weaknesses

- Predisposition to be affected by every possible “allergy”
let me clarify: “allergies” that no anti-histamine based medication can effectively clear up
- I can lift big heavy stuff (ha! Just kidding. Can someone open this bottle for me?)



4. areas you would like to improve

- General cleanliness
- I feel this will be improving rapidly as I am no longer homeless.
- I have just started sleeping with my ex again, however, and this may hinder my determination to be cleaner as his balls smell. Obviously there will be days when I, too, smell like balls and, depending on how kinky the night is, ass. I will endeavour to not come to work with ass smell as I am aware of the certain pungency of it and do not wish to offend my co-workers.
- Do more laundry. I understand now that washing underwear in the shower is not technically ‘doing laundry’.

- Sleeping more. Nuff said.



5. areas you feel more/clearer guidance can help

- Issues regarding lesbians (I feel comfortable talking to you about this as we have an 'open door policy' at work. It seems you personally have one too – the VP you slept with is a man, right? And now you're fucking what? A vadge? Right right.)
- Are they all sluts?
- Am I a slut?
- Can they sniff out other lesbians? (Does the ‘gaydar’ really exist?)
- Do I smell funny to you?
- Sharing panties – yes or no? (obviously only relevant if both parties are the same size and said panties are clean – or are they?)

- What is your job?
And what is the point of you doing it when I am?

- Does this company really exist? I mean seriously, the CEO answers his own phone. Um, one of the perks of being a CEO is having minions do your bidding . . . um, yeah, secretary?



6. goals: short term and long term

- Not getting fired.
- Co-workers not finding out that I am IMing friends and reading celebrity gossip all day.
- Leaving this place for a real job in fashion.
- Stealing large quantities of company product to sell on eBay and finance my various recreational activities: namely alcoholic entertainment and candy of all kinds.


hope this helps!
much love,
edith.