Get your rocks off with Caroline. Position available for new T&A to replace the perfection of Edith. (Caroline spends most of her day with T&A. She claims it stands for Tits and Ass. I think she's just trying to make her job sound more interesting than doing Time and Action forms. Who can blame her, really. By the way, she hasn't realised she doesn't work for a real compnay, so don't tell her - more on that at a later date.)
1. Wake Up Calls:
If you hang out with Caroline the night before, she requires a wake up call. It doesn't matter if you went home hours before her, it is still necessary. Upon arriving at work, if she is not online or is only online via her sidekick, then a follow up call is needed. If she does not respond to this, try her at her direct office number. If she does not answer, begin preparing a Doctor's Note.
2. Forgery:
Following on from the above point, forging Doctor's Notes is a very important duty. It can be difficult to pull this off - to get the right degree of authority while keeping it simple. My suggestion is to not entirely fake the document. Use a combination of notes as reference for the interface and always use a real doctor. Remember: they cannot legally call to find out if she was there or not, but they can google the doctor to find out if they exist or not.
3. Daytime entertainment:
Must have access to IM for at least six hours during your work day. Caroline may not be there to respond, but if she wishes to correspond with you, it is imperitive that you are there to entertain her. Some suggested topics to converse upon:
last night
whiskey? jameson!
fine, no more vodka for you
sex: how did you do it again, orally?
ugh, just let your boss get in your pants already!
gay
totally gay
omg, i know! she sucks
FYI i hate wendy
the landscaping of the LES (fuckers, when did they put that 7' tree there?)
manwich
4. Nighttime Entertainment:
Be nice. The alcohol will take care of the rest.
5. Dating:
Make certain any boy you want to go to bed with is homosexual. If you suspect that they're the slightest bit straight and still decide to bring them home, Caroline will destroy the last vestige of this illusion: Edith! seriously, he's gay! just come over to mine instead - I have Jameson and ziti!
6. Clothes:
If you left it at her place, she doesn't have it.
If you left it at a mutual friend's, she doesn't have it.
If you left it at your place, she doesn't have it.
If it's cheap and comfy, she doesn't have it.
If it's couture vintage and you lent it to her around witnesses, she definitely doesn't have it.
If you left it somewhere around 6am at a weird loft afterparty from which you stole a bottle of vodka, a bottle of Jameson and a mysterious baggie, she probably doesn't have it. I think that perhaps it wasn't the wisest idea to go there in the first place dumbass. Yeah, but it was pretty awesome.
7. Transport
If you're on the Jitney coming back from the Hamptons, don't stop her from drinking. If you confiscate the bottle opener, she'll just pretend you don't exist and wake up all surrounded passengers to ask them instead.
When on the subway, engage her in amusing conversation about the models in the impotence commercials above your heads - it's better than talking about how frigid that ugly bitch (the one in the american apparel knockoff sweater) next to you is. Especially when her ugly death rays will probably infect you with acne.
