Dear Fans (hi mom!)

I have been travelling, drinking, sleeping, dying and that is all I can provide as an excuse for the lack of reading material. I'm honestly trying. Please be patient.

edith.

Working 9 to 5

Morning after damage control.

10:45am still drunk from the night before

edith: morning sunshine

caroline: i'm in bed. with bobby. moron.

edith: oh nice. i just got into work and out of bed. with jack. hot.

caroline: lesbo boss just called. crappy.

edith: what did you say today?

caroline: doctor

edith: me too! woman bits doctor. i mean, there was someone looking between my legs.

12pm sobering up

caroline: um. she wants a doctor's note from me, by the end of the day. help?!

edith: sure, i'll make you a doctor's note. what kind of doctor did you say you went to? i have a psychiatrist's note, and a normal doctor note here. i can mock something up.

caroline: are you my saviour today?

edith: perhaps . . . i'm starting to get hungover. ugh. i think i'm actually getting legitimitely sick.

caroline: oh fun! go to the doctor and get me a real note!

edith: i already went to the doctor today, apparently.

caroline: oh shit. me too. sucks.

1pm so very very not good

edith: get the note? you like? shall i fax? who even uses faxes these days. you really do not work for a real company. maybe it's a front for office cube worker fetish www porn

caroline: i guess i should not be doing what i'm doing then.

edith: um. right.

1:50pm alcoholic

caroline: yay! looks perfect. and bobby and i didn't even have sex last night!

edith: this is probably the lowest we've ever got. we going out tonight?

Thank you for being a friend

Get your rocks off with Caroline. Position available for new T&A to replace the perfection of Edith. (Caroline spends most of her day with T&A. She claims it stands for Tits and Ass. I think she's just trying to make her job sound more interesting than doing Time and Action forms. Who can blame her, really. By the way, she hasn't realised she doesn't work for a real compnay, so don't tell her - more on that at a later date.)

1. Wake Up Calls:
If you hang out with Caroline the night before, she requires a wake up call. It doesn't matter if you went home hours before her, it is still necessary. Upon arriving at work, if she is not online or is only online via her sidekick, then a follow up call is needed. If she does not respond to this, try her at her direct office number. If she does not answer, begin preparing a Doctor's Note.

2. Forgery:
Following on from the above point, forging Doctor's Notes is a very important duty. It can be difficult to pull this off - to get the right degree of authority while keeping it simple. My suggestion is to not entirely fake the document. Use a combination of notes as reference for the interface and always use a real doctor. Remember: they cannot legally call to find out if she was there or not, but they can google the doctor to find out if they exist or not.

3. Daytime entertainment:
Must have access to IM for at least six hours during your work day. Caroline may not be there to respond, but if she wishes to correspond with you, it is imperitive that you are there to entertain her. Some suggested topics to converse upon:
last night
whiskey? jameson!
fine, no more vodka for you
sex: how did you do it again, orally?
ugh, just let your boss get in your pants already!
gay
totally gay
omg, i know! she sucks
FYI i hate wendy
the landscaping of the LES (fuckers, when did they put that 7' tree there?)
manwich

4. Nighttime Entertainment:
Be nice. The alcohol will take care of the rest.

5. Dating:
Make certain any boy you want to go to bed with is homosexual. If you suspect that they're the slightest bit straight and still decide to bring them home, Caroline will destroy the last vestige of this illusion: Edith! seriously, he's gay! just come over to mine instead - I have Jameson and ziti!

6. Clothes:
If you left it at her place, she doesn't have it.
If you left it at a mutual friend's, she doesn't have it.
If you left it at your place, she doesn't have it.
If it's cheap and comfy, she doesn't have it.
If it's couture vintage and you lent it to her around witnesses, she definitely doesn't have it.
If you left it somewhere around 6am at a weird loft afterparty from which you stole a bottle of vodka, a bottle of Jameson and a mysterious baggie, she probably doesn't have it. I think that perhaps it wasn't the wisest idea to go there in the first place dumbass. Yeah, but it was pretty awesome.

7. Transport
If you're on the Jitney coming back from the Hamptons, don't stop her from drinking. If you confiscate the bottle opener, she'll just pretend you don't exist and wake up all surrounded passengers to ask them instead.
When on the subway, engage her in amusing conversation about the models in the impotence commercials above your heads - it's better than talking about how frigid that ugly bitch (the one in the american apparel knockoff sweater) next to you is. Especially when her ugly death rays will probably infect you with acne.

My bits have a healthy ego.

I blame feminism for giving us the proverbial cock and balls to enjoy multiple orgasms from multiple partners. In a massive oversight, it failed to remove oestrogen from the equation. And now there’s a new generation of strong independent highly sexed and equally highly strung women with little means to deal with the emotional backlash ensuing from a voracious sexual appetite.

I call bullshit on any woman who claims to be able to have her cake, eat it and not consider the calories after. The physics of human bodies mean that vaginas are secret little havens of pleasure while penises, well, they’re just there and really don’t hesitate to tell you. And thus the internal dialogue between brain and vadge is extremely personal. Fuck one over, and you're not likely to get the chance to fuck the other one too.

I'll admit that I'm just as emotionally attached to my vagina as any other girl. But it's not healthy to allow a fuck to fuck with your head. It's called dignity! Vaginal dignity! Pick your bits up off the floor and quit acting like your pussy. The more muscle you have to shore up your ego, the stronger it will be when the emotional fucktards come flooding in. And the stronger your ego is, it follows the stronger your vadge is. And you know what a strong vadge leads to? Awesome sex all round.

America! Fuck yeah!

Reasons why America will not grant me a visa:

1. I hate Hallmark. Makes me want to starve myself and smoke cigarettes around babies and snort coke with your grandma.

Stupid cards with bunnies saying “40 years young” and pathetic little quips about how much your colleagues will miss you now that you’ve quit. Hate to tell you, but forty is not young unless you’re 80. If you’re getting cards like that at forty you should probably shoot yourself because the friends you have now obviously suck for picking out that card for you, or suck even more because they didn’t put in any effort and just grabbed it off the shelf (wtf were they doing in Hallmark anyway?). Oh, and it looks like you’ll be stuck with them for the rest of your life as you clearly lack the social skills to befriend anyone who has a modicum of use to the rest of society. End it. Trust me. No one will blame you. At least you won’t have to listen to a badly written eulogy with quirky anecdotes about your unmomentous life.

Signs to put on your desk in a prominent position for all your colleagues to see declaring “Good morning let the stress begin!” Damn straight your day is going to be stressful. Want to know why? Because you’re lame and I’m going to mash your face in today.

Aprons embroidered with “Danger! Grandpa is Cooking!” Look, if grandpa is enough of a danger that he needs a warning sign, perhaps he should not be cooking. Perhaps he should be in a home. Just a suggestion.

“I’m the big sister” hats. You only really need to wear these if your mother got knocked up really young and then finally found a rich douche to remarry her fifteen years later and then popped out a kid with him. Then people might think you’re just another teenage ho when you’re out with your infant sibling – that is, unless you’re wearing the hat. And if you’ve got one of the “I’m the big brother” caps then it’s just another way of declaring to society that you’re a teenage guy who hates wrapping up his weiner because that shit ain’t cool and you got it on with some chick who was just begging for it. Basically, you now not only have this little piece of DNA hanging with you and your homies, but your penis will probably be worthless before you reach your twenties – it’ll fall off from some vicious teenage strain of herpes.

2. I hate excessive use of exclamation marks. Don’t even mention “emoticons”.

3. I refuse to join company baseball and kickball teams. Look, I don’t socialise with you at work, why would I want to see you after work? And please don’t tell me that it’s an excuse to drink. It’s kinda pathetic if you’re 30 and feel like you need an excuse to drink. (I am not bitter about not being invited to join said teams anyway, I don’t care what you say.)

4. I buy my wifebeaters from the dodgy Hispanic shop down the street, not American Apparel. And they have stickers on them saying “minor imperfections” and sometimes have three armholes.

5. I like to read books in English. Not American English. I prefer their method of spelling and punctuation. Yes, I know I’m in America dumbass.

6. Ass. Ass is another name for a donkey. Not bottom. Everywhere else we call your president an arsehole.

7. “News” to me means current affairs around the world. By “current affairs” I do not mean the sexual activities of the rich and famous (or the not so rich and infamous either).

8. I don’t tan and I like SPF 50 sunscreen. I would rather die young and internally cancerous from smoking than live a long, happy life looking like a cow’s mottled udders.

I was in special ed at school.

caroline: air matress fuck is the worst. i roll off onto the floor and then it gets funny.

edith: i fall off and hit my head or slide off the mattress onto the edge of the bed frame. sex is very dangerous. like cheerleading. it's misleading!

caroline: i know. it is. my dad called yesterday about the plane and the fire and hes like "It's a dangerous city!" he sooooo doesnt want me living here. if only he knew about how dangerous sex was.

My boss has been looking at my ass . . . my mother said it's sexual harassment.

Did you ever notice the word 'ass' is in 'harass'? Coincident? I think not!

A while ago Caroline asked for my help in preparing for her first review at her new job. Oddly enough, her boss had sent her a list of questions, akin to a junior high school report. The questions from aforementioned boss are in bold . . . my helpful answers are not . . .

Hi,

Here are a few topics I would like for you to think about for the upcoming evaluation:

1. Major accomplishments during the past year (months)

- being awesome (although this is more a state of existence rather than an accomplishment)
doing your job
successfully executing the most retarded breakup in the world
- and then screwing the ‘ex’ again (in all senses of the word ‘screw’)
- not being able to figure out what exactly the point of you being here is when I do your job
- experimenting with lesbianism.


2. your strengths

- I suppose being awesome would fit in here.
- Oh. And being extremely good looking (wink!).


3. your weaknesses

- Predisposition to be affected by every possible “allergy”
let me clarify: “allergies” that no anti-histamine based medication can effectively clear up
- I can lift big heavy stuff (ha! Just kidding. Can someone open this bottle for me?)



4. areas you would like to improve

- General cleanliness
- I feel this will be improving rapidly as I am no longer homeless.
- I have just started sleeping with my ex again, however, and this may hinder my determination to be cleaner as his balls smell. Obviously there will be days when I, too, smell like balls and, depending on how kinky the night is, ass. I will endeavour to not come to work with ass smell as I am aware of the certain pungency of it and do not wish to offend my co-workers.
- Do more laundry. I understand now that washing underwear in the shower is not technically ‘doing laundry’.

- Sleeping more. Nuff said.



5. areas you feel more/clearer guidance can help

- Issues regarding lesbians (I feel comfortable talking to you about this as we have an 'open door policy' at work. It seems you personally have one too – the VP you slept with is a man, right? And now you're fucking what? A vadge? Right right.)
- Are they all sluts?
- Am I a slut?
- Can they sniff out other lesbians? (Does the ‘gaydar’ really exist?)
- Do I smell funny to you?
- Sharing panties – yes or no? (obviously only relevant if both parties are the same size and said panties are clean – or are they?)

- What is your job?
And what is the point of you doing it when I am?

- Does this company really exist? I mean seriously, the CEO answers his own phone. Um, one of the perks of being a CEO is having minions do your bidding . . . um, yeah, secretary?



6. goals: short term and long term

- Not getting fired.
- Co-workers not finding out that I am IMing friends and reading celebrity gossip all day.
- Leaving this place for a real job in fashion.
- Stealing large quantities of company product to sell on eBay and finance my various recreational activities: namely alcoholic entertainment and candy of all kinds.


hope this helps!
much love,
edith.